Life is interesting. Sometimes you get really lucky or you have a great event happen and life impresses you. Other times your world comes crushing down and life makes you wonder. Life is a journey. As God’s children, life is a journey in a relationship with Him.

Yesterday our journey took a turn that no one was ready for. It is one that was feared but not one that we expected. I began bleeding. At first it was just a little but enough to scare me. Then it became more than just bleeding. I called the on call number for my practice and they told me what to do and that I could come in today to get checked out. They gave me the details like if you bleed through a pad an hour, then you need to got to the ER. (I’ve heard all this before so I knew the drill.)

The afternoon went on and I bled more. I laid there and prayed. We asked others to pray. We had people all over the world praying for us even though they didn’t know why. God gave us rest. This morning I woke up to find the bleeding has almost stopped. So we headed to the office.

Arriving at the office I was greeted by one of the amazing people from my “team” who has been there since day 1! She quickly took me back to the ultrasound room. What we found was no baby/babies. It seems that in bleeding yesterday I miscarried them. (I know! It feels like a punch to the gut for all of you reading this!… I’m with you!)

We waited for the on call doctor who said he wanted to confirm with bloodwork before saying for sure that it was a miscarriage. Even though it didn’t look promising, there was a small chance that because it’s early that I was still pregnant. This doctor is one of the top in this field, possibly second only to Dr. T., so we had blood drawn and discussed what we needed the number to be and what it meant if the numbers were lower.

My husband and I left the office and went home to wait. We knew from day 1 a few things would be different for this transfer. We knew that we were supposed to share our story  with all of you and that this was our final hurrah with IVF. As we drove away from the office we held hands and just loved each other in that moment.

We just received the call. It was for sure a miscarriage and we lost the babies…

The hurt, the sting of the familiarity of it all is hard to swallow… again. We are strangely more at peace for now with all of this than we have been before. We have a few things that we are holding onto that hopefully with help all of you as well!

1) We have an amazing support system who loves us and is there with us in this final journey. We are here for all of you as well!

2) We know God has a plan for our family. While pieces don’t make sense, we trust that He is the one in control and know that there is a reason for everything. We pray that one day it will make sense here on earth.

3) We have one amazing little boy! He is a miracle and has our whole hearts! The fact that he survived bleeding during my whole 1st trimester while I was pregnant with him is a miracle in itself! He’s our bright spot in our lives and through all of this!

4) We have our lives to live! This is only the beginning of what our family is doing and will do together! My husband, son and myself are excited to see where we will go as the “three musketeers” and what new adventures we will have together!

5) We know our Angels (all 10 of them) are watching over us. They all were held inside my body and were given everything we could. Now they are in a sweet loving place never knowing the hurts of this world!

6) We wouldn’t have changed a thing! We would have made the same decisions and continued the same path! No regrets from us!

Yes, it is disappointing. It is hard to think of going back one more time to get the final bloodwork at this place that we love. I can’t think of how to say goodbye to those who mean so much and played such a part in our journey. It’s hard to wrap my head around all our babies being in Heaven and no embryos left. There will be healing days ahead. Tears and laughter. Days will keep going and we will continue loving life with our little boy!

Thank you to each of you for following this stage of our journey! It’s only the beginning! I will continue to blog and talk about our story and how God is working in our lives! I will continue to wear pearls and smile with grace! Life is precious and we must love each moment that we have!

Pearl of Wisdom: (this hangs in our living room and is our family motto) “Each one chosen and carefully placed at His appointed time, for His desired purpose, all bound together with cords of love and called family for His glory!”

Request: For healing for us and all those who journied with us!

Love and Pearls! ~ Me

 

Today we received our results for the 2nd blood draw of HCG. It is excellent! We couldn’t ask for better results. My numbers more than doubled which is what they were looking for. I must say the waiting today to find out was hard. You see today we waited 4 hours for the results (and this time I didn’t ask that they wait)! It made me wonder if the reason we were delayed was due to a bad result. Luckily this was not the case. Today I am still pregnant! YAY! My levels are so good that I don’t have to go back for another week! Double YAY!

Today is a good day for us but it is also a day that the mommies all over the world who have lost children remember them. It is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day. This is not a day that I like to “celebrate” each year. It is a day that makes me hold my son closer and a day that I think of the 8 angels we have in Heaven waiting on us. I picture a reunion with them one day… Oh how sweet it will be.

Many say that since I never held the baby, “at least it isn’t as bad.” I cannot imagine the pain of holding your child that you have to bury. It is hard enough hearing a heartbeat that never beats outside the womb or bleeding and knowing in your gut that the life that was inside of you is no longer living. It is crushing! It sucks! It is hard! It is a feeling I would NEVER wish on anyone! The look when your sweet nurses and doctor know you lost your baby, the pain of the dreams that will never come true. The life that was planned for not coming to be. It is crushing in a way that no mother can ever describe. That is why we are all a part of the special “club” that we never signed up to be in. Those moms who have been there understand the feelings that we all have on days like today when remembering those babies not with us hits hard. It is a part of my journey that I wish wasn’t there.

One group that I don’t think ever get to be a part of this day are those mothers who suffer through a “failed” adoption. This usually means that they bring a baby or child into their home for a time, only to have that child taken back and placed with the birth parents. Please know I am not saying having a child with birth parents is necessarily a bad thing! What I am saying is that the pain hurts the mom left with empty arms just the same. You see I am a part of that club too. I don’t want to be in that club but I am and I want to give value to those women who are like me for a minute.

Those of us mothers who have rocked a baby to sleep or brought a child into their family and had the chance to plan a new life but then have that taken from them in a moment of changed mind. We experience a different kind of grief. You see our “adopted” child didn’t die. That child who, for my husband and I lived with us for 5 precious days. The child we took 1st week pictures with and introduced to friends and family didn’t leave us in death but rather left us alive. She in no way was able to be ours ever again. We don’t get to lay claim to her and yet she isn’t an angel… so how do we speak to her role in our lives? How do we grieve someone who is still alive? That is the hardest place to be in. It is never easy to lose a child. Losing a child in a failed adoption can be just as difficult as losing a child to death. You see it is sudden and never feels right. It is the death of a dream of walking a little girl down the isle. The death of months of planning for her to be in your family and having her there… then boom it is no more. This type of loss is hard.

I don’t talk a lot about the adoption. It is something that is still raw and hard to know how to talk about. My husband and I were sought out by the birth parents and we took a leap of faith. We prayed and followed God’s call to be there for this little girl. I know in my heart that we served a purpose in her life for a reason and that we fulfilled what God set out for us to do. Having said all that… It still hurt. It hurts on days that I hear her name. It hurts on days that someone innocently asks, “would you ever want a daughter?” It hurts when even though I have tried to have all her things in a box, I see something that was left out or see the pictures in an old text message. It makes your breath catch and you feel the loss all over again.

I want to tell you something about all the losses we have experienced. If it wasn’t for our faith and knowing and trusting that God has a plan, we wouldn’t have survived it all. Our marriage is a miracle to most experts when they see that we survived all that we have and can still love each other! If it weren’t for our faith and the love of our village, we would not have made it. That darkness would have overtaken us and the bond we had wouldn’t have been strong enough to last. We know and trust that God has the most beautiful plans for our lives and for the life of our son (and hopefully the lives of our babies-hoping it is 2). Just as the glassmaker must sometimes put the glass into the hottest of fires so he can shape it into something beautiful. So does God sometimes have to have our lives in “fire”of the hardest moments so that we can come out shining brighter and looking more beautiful!

I have hope for the future because I know the One who creates it. My faith holds me together on the dark days when I wish I could see my babies in Heaven and when I wish for a moment that our adoptive daughter was in our life. My faith also makes me so thankful for my son. Yes, I sometimes spoil him. Yes, He gets extra love and sometimes more than enough chances. It’s because I know that he is my miracle. I hang on to faith and hope that in 8ish months, I will have at least 1 more miracle to call my own. I pray that on this day next year, I won’t have a larger number of babies to remember but rather more babies to love here on earth!

Pearl of Wisdom: You are a parent even if the only child you ever had isn’t with you anymore! Love on those who have lost!

Request: Pray for continued growth of our baby (babies)! This is still a critical time for us and one where in the past I have begun having problems. Pray for only positive results. Also pray for all the mommies out there with missing pieces of their hearts!

Many thank yous to you all!

Love and Pearls, ~ Me

Today I went in for me BETA blood work which would tell us if the IVF procedure worked or didn’t.

IT WORKED! We are officially pregnant! It is very early but with the bloodwork today it shows that my hormones and HCG are exactly where they should be or even better than they should be (whatever that means)! We are excited and extremely cautious! We do not know if it is 1 baby or more than 1 and won’t for a few weeks. 🙂

Today began with me driving across town 1st thing in the morning to get my blood drawn in the office. I then had to do the hardest thing, I had to ask that they wait to call me until after lunch. You see I had an important work meeting and I didn’t want to know positive or negative until that was over. (Also I am controlling and wanted to control the exact time I found out so that for once, my husband and I could find out together!)

My meeting went well and surprisingly I only thought about it like 4 times. Now I know many people are thinking (any many have asked) if I “cheated” by taking an at home test. We chose not to. We haven’t in the past and I didn’t want a false positive or negative, so I waited. Trust me, during the meeting break it took everything in me not to call. (It was hard!) However, once my meeting was over I had 1 thing on my mind, get home before the call time!

I drove as safely as possible and arrived 7 minutes early. My son and husband were home when the nurse called. She asked how I was doing and I said good. Politely I asked how she was doing and she said “I’m doing great because I have some good news for you!” My heart started beating again! We ARE pregnant! She told me my exact numbers for HCG, Progesterone, and Estrogen (all of which were higher than they were looking for… which is good). Then we scheduled another blood draw for Monday. I will have at least 2 more blood draws but possibly 3 before an ultrasound is scheduled.

Once we found out, we went to lunch. We called our parents on the way to lunch but then decided to sit on the news for a little while (sorry)! We enjoyed knowing our secret for a little while (even if it was only an hour or so). We text a few friends and then enjoyed the afternoon together. Even with being open about the blog, I knew I would want a little time just for us (which is understandable hopefully).

With as excited, happy, and joyful as we are, there is caution within us as well. You see getting pregnant from IVF hasn’t been the struggle. The struggle has been keeping the pregnancy. Our “sweet spot” is the 9-10 week mark. Today I am a little over 4 weeks so we have 5-6 weeks to go before I will breathe more. Seeing the ultrasound at 7 weeks will help, but to be honest, I have never made it to the 7 week “scheduled” ultrasound. There has always been a need to have an ultrasound earlier than that. This is the caution. We want to not have any event (bleeding, low numbers, etc) happen to cause us to have to rush in like we have in the past.

For now we are happy, excited, thankful and yet we are cautious, nervous, and waiting. Luckily the next 3(ish) weeks of work are easy going and shouldn’t provide stress. I will only be doing things that we feel isn’t difficult physically (not a lot of stairs, no marathons- yeah right me run… haha, and no picking up our son- that one hurts my heart!). I will still be around at church, work and participating in as much as I can, but we definitely have our “kid gloves” on within this critical time.

Thank you all for being on this journey! I am thankful that for today, our journey isn’t over! This blog has been a wonderful support system for us and we are so thankful to be able to share JOY with you all today! As i have promised before, I will be posting about the previous 4 transfers soon. (It’s hard to relive.) Please stay along this journey with us! We now have even more to look forward to and write about!

Pearl of Wisdom: Babies are gifts! No matter what the age (or gestational age), they are all gifts!

Request: Pray for attachment and an easy few weeks. As we celebrate each week it is important to continue to pray for this baby (or babies) that are growing within!

Love and Pearls, ~Me

I am not a patient person! This is currently my 9th time waiting during the “two week wait” and it is only harder as the days go on! You see the TWW is the 10-14 days after IUI or IVF in which you have to wait before a blood pregnancy test can occur. Usually during this wait, I spend lots of time praying and not thinking about what is happening. (Or that’s what I try to do!)

In the past I have had to hide my frustration with waiting and pretend that everything is “normal” because no one knew what was going on. Being a chemical experiment and having to pretend that you don’t have babies inside you is really hard! This time I am lucky that I don’t have to keep it secret or hide anything. I get to talk about it in everyday life and name what is going on. If I feel off I can say “it’s the medicine” and people understand. If I say I’m tired, I have those who are there to encourage me to rest and take it easy instead of looking at me like “what’s wrong with you”.

I feel good about this transfer and everything that has taken place so far. We have given it to God and we know that His plan is what will happen. I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t nervous though… I am very nervous! I am nervous about getting the call that will determine our future. I am nervous to hear what the nurse will say either way. (I know that seems silly but hear me out!)

You see this week we will get the results that tell us if this last IVF produced an official pregnancy. We won’t know if both took or not for weeks but we will know if we are pregnant (meaning the Hcg is detected) or not. If we find out that the IVF didn’t work (I pray that isn’t the case), then it is over. I’m not ready for that yet. On the other hand if we find out it did work I will have a whole new set of worries! You see I have gotten pregnant 4 times before… but only 1 resulted in a baby to hold in my arms.

Please hear me when I say that we want another baby! We want the results to be positive! We are worried because if we find out that we are pregnant I will be even more cautious to not loose the pregnancy. It will be limited activities and limiting what I do in order to make sure we hit that 9-10 week mark and pass my miscarriage window what I have seen multiple times in the past.

When I think of my fears I don’t know what scares me more, finding out that this IVF didn’t work or finding out that it did and losing the pregnancy again. I pray daily that I don’t have to face either of those options! Time is all that will be able to tell. I feel in my gut and in my heart that everything will be okay. With that being the case, there’s a nervous side that is worried about all the outcomes that could happen. For now I will take it Day by day, hour by hour, and minute by minute. I will keep doing everything I can to do my part for positive results! For today I will be happy that I am pregnantish (the in between stage of transfer and confirmed pregnancy)!

Pearl of Wisdom: Waiting is not easy!

Request: Pray for my nerves! It is so easy to worry and get caught up in the what if’s. Pray for a peaceful few days and that my heart will be at ease! Also pray for this week. It is a very busy week with my birthday and big work events that I am responsible in bringing my “A” game to.

Love and Pearls! ~Me

Today was our transfer day and it went wonderfully! I had a peace about the whole thing this morning (thank you for those praying) and knew things were going to be okay. Doctor T said “it couldn’t have been a more perfect transfer”!

We were blessed to have a family breakfast this morning before heading to our appointment. This was nice because our son could snuggle and be with mommy before not being able to do those things for a few weeks. You see because he is a toddler and heavier than 15-20 lbs I can’t pick him up or have him snuggle as much. So it was a blessing to spend extra time with him this morning.

After breakfast I began drinking water to have a full bladder for the procedure.As we arrived at the office there was a peace and acceptance that came over me. You see, this was it! It’s the day we had been praying years for! My husband and I waited holding hands. When it was finally time, we were called back by the sweet nurse who helps with the transfers. She has been there for every one of ours and it was nice to see her again. Once in the room she checked and my full bladder was perfect (uncomfortable but good). We then got to see the most incredible picture. We got to see our babies! They take a picture under the microscope so we can see the embryos. It is pretty amazing to see and to know that every person once began as small and perfect as those embabies (embryo babies). God is awesome!

Once everything was ready, Doctor T and the embryologist came in and we went over logistics like my name and birthday. Then they gave update on thawing and told us both thawed well and were ready to go with no remaining in storage. Wow!! This means that all 10 of our embabies would finally have a chance to be at home. With this being our final transfer, we didn’t leave any behind and instead I have had the blessing of me carrying them within me! (What an answer to many prayers!)

I then laid there holding my husband’s hand as we watched through ultrasound our babies being placed home. On the screen they looked like a bright white spot which was so beautiful! I then laid tilted back for about 10 minutes and the procedure was over. Almost as fast as we came in, it was done. I felt peaceful, calm and very… Complete! (That’s the best word to describe it!)

As I was finally allowed to go to the bathroom (which was a huge relief), I got emotional. I began to cry at the realization that our journey truly was complete (for the IVF stage). I walked out and gave the nurse a hug. We talked about how I was emotional and I thanked her for changing lives and for her part in making miracles happen! She cried with me as we embraced and then I waved goodbye to Doctor T and we went on our way! We were complete! You see no matter the outcome (hopefully baby/babies) we have completed our part and done everything we as humans can to have a child that is genetically ours. We didn’t leave any embryos behind and we didn’t compromise our faith and beliefs to do so!

As for the near future it is me taking it easy (which is hard to do)! I am resting for a few days and letting these babies get comfortable and find a home. I am eating pineapple (helps with implantation) and taking it one day at a time. We have now entered the two week wait and therefore all we can do is pray and wait. This is when God’s miracles continue to occur!

Technically I am now what some call “pregnantish”. It means that we know there are babies there but until my body produces the pregnancy hormone which indicates implantation, I am not technically pregnant. We aren’t out of the water yet! As with every step along the way, we will update you once we know. This is the step we have all been praying for and we will continue to need prayers throughout the next few days and weeks. I will post some about our previous transfers and more of our story during the two week wait. Thank you to all of you who have been with us and have prayed and loved us so far! We love you and today was a success because love along with science and Our amazing God!

Pearl of wisdom: Life is precious!

Request: That these babies implant and grow strong and healthy!

We recieved the phone call this morning and our transfer is scheduled for tomorrow (October 1st) at 11:00 am. What we know is that they will be thawing our last two embryos today and we will get a report in the morning as to details. For tomorrow, I have to go in with a full bladder (it makes reading the scan easier) and I get to take a Valium to make sure I am relaxed.

Once we are in the room and “prepped” our doctor and embryologist will talk and come in. We get to see the embryos in a picture taken under a microscope. Then at the right time, the embryologist will place them into a catheter and the doctor will place them in the fluffiest place possible. For those who have never been through this, it is one of the most satisfying, awestricking, and emotional moments of the whole process. This is the moment when we have our babies “home” and when we truly turn every bit over to God. Usually for me there are tears as my husband and I hold hands waiting as I lay as still as possible for about 20 minutes.

Over the past few transfers it has been one of the coolest moments because we have known about our babies from the moment they were knitted together and we have known exactly when they were inside and “home”. Most don’t know that about their children until about 2-3 weeks after they are there. This is also an incredible time where trusting in the miracle of every life that God gives becomes awe inspiring.

Many on this journey wear cool shirts, certain socks or something to help them bring positive vibes into the room. My husband and I have always had each other and the love of trying to grow our family instead of those things. This time we have prayers and happy thoughts from literally all over the world! I thank you all for that! I promise I will post again tomorrow once I am home and rested.

My job after the transfer will be to sit, relax and stay warm and rested for at least a few days. I plan to do just that (with the help of my awesome “nurse” husband and our friends and family)!

Pearl of Wisdom: Many women are going through the same thing I am and don’t have anyone share it with. Keep in mind you never know what someone is going through!

Request: Please pray for happy thoughts and that our babies find their place in the home my body has created. Pray for the range of emotions I know I will have with our doctor, nurses and staff who are family to us as we take this final step!

We are officially 8 days from the transfer! I feel like time has flown and crept by all at the same time. The increase of hormones is crazy. One minute I feel fine but the next I feel like I am going to be sick (think morning sickness but without being pregnant). Thank you so much to everyone who is checking in on us and for those who are extra nice to my husband! 🙂 He deserves it!

Friday, I went to the doctor and got the official go ahead for the transfer. They did a check to see how well the hormones were working and how ready my body was for the transfer. The report seems to be great! My lining was at 15mm which they were expecting 8mm. I have never had it this high which is odd for me. Usually my body has responded the same way (except for not keeping the pregnancy) so this is odd for me. From everything I have read, the thicker the number the better. So I am happy for the little things!

As I think about this final transfer and the stages we are in, I want to give all of you a summary of what happened in our previous transfers. In other posts I will go into more details about specifics but here is the “outline” of our family journey since beginning IVF.

4 years ago (Sept. 2014) – IVF #1 (2 embryos transferred) I miscarried one baby (at home) at 7 weeks and 1 successful pregnancy! (Our amazing son!)

2+ years ago (March 2016)- IVF #2 (2 embryos transferred) Very slight pregnancy hormone detected and at 2nd blood draw was deemed unsuccessful pregnancy.

2 years ago (October 2016)- IVF #3 (2 embryos transferred) Great levels! Went in for 1st ultrasound and heard 1 heartbeat! Miscarriage at 8 weeks (no heartbeat and miscarried at home).

1+ years ago (February 2017)- Adoption: We were approached about adopting a newborn baby girl. We went through with adoption process and brought home a beautiful baby girl. 5 days later we had to “return” her because the mother changed her mind. (In our state the parents have 10 days to change their mind.)

1 year ago (November 2017)- IVF #4 (2 embryos transferred) Numbers looked great. Went for ultrasound after some minor bleeding and 1 baby was found with possibility of a 2 (It was early- 6+weeks). 1 week later no heartbeat found and no growth of baby. Miscarriage with D & C next day. Biopsy of baby revealed healthy girl with no genetic issues and no reason found as to why miscarriage occurred.

It is hard to type out everything we have been through in a short medical like list. I do this so that those of you who don’t know our story and didn’t walk the previous 4 years with us can understand where we have been. I will outline in future posts more information about each transfer and why we made the decisions we did. The biggest thing to know is that we made every choice that we had in this process with love and tons of prayer!

As we venture closer to the final transfer day things will be changing with medicine. I will finally be off of Lupron! (YAY!) I will begin taking a blood thinner and I will be receiving nightly shots of progesterone hormones to increase the chances of my body accepting the baby/babies. My husband/nurse will be giving the progesterone shots which are a big needle and hurt.

We are excited about this journey! I am amazed at how God is reaching others with these posts and how I am being presented with opportunities to share our story with others out there who need love and encouragement! I am trying hard to live in the moment and not look at the past with fear. We know that whatever the future may hold, we will be okay because the plan for our lives will be wonderful once we see the full picture!

Pearl of Wisdom- Every journey is unique and there is beauty that can be found in the peaks and valleys of the journey.

Request- Pray for strength for me (and my husband who will soon be my nurse). Prayers for calm peace daily as we get closer to this final transfer!

Thank you to everyone who has been so supportive over these last few weeks! Your prayers and well wishes mean a lot to me and to our family. Today I began the second wave of medication for the transfer (call it phase 2). This is huge because with today being day 1 of Phase 2, this means that we have an exact transfer day! October 1st is TRANSFER DAY! It is the day we will close the final chapter on having children through IVF and turn things once again over to God for the final decision of what our family looks like. (I’m so excited, nervous and at peace with that!)

For the last 13 days, I have been taking a medication called Lupron. This medication is something prescribed to help prepare my body for the other medication and transfer that is to come. Lupron brought with it joint pain, physical and mental exhaustion, a keen sense of smell for anything and everything, and EXTREME moodiness! Y’all I have felt at times like I was going crazy! One minute I will be calm and happy and the next nothing is right and I am angry. Like I’m singing to my favorite song and then extreme road rage or crying over a sad commercial and then about to combust with anger! Having talked to others who have been on Lupron over the years, these are all common side effects. One friend said to me “It will take you from complete fluffy clouds and sunshine to dark anger and frustration. You will want to (and will) snap at any and everything that moves near you like a predator looking for prey!” She is 100% correct! It’s mind boggling how I can feel fine and then the next minute I am angry or my joints hurt so bad that I can’t pick up my toddler.

I decided to look up Lupron, you would think this being the 9th time using it that I would have googled it before… nope. My search in Google led me to an answer that made everything make a little more sense. You see Lupron can be used to treat CANCER! It is a commonly used chemotherapy drug. (Oh! Now I get it.) You see nothing that can be used to treat cancer can have positive effects on how you feel! (Please know I am not in any way comparing what I am going through to what Cancer patients go through! I have only a small glimpse of what chemotherapy must be like with taking this medication while I take it for 4-5 weeks.) I pray that anyone who ever has to use the medication longer than a week at a time will be given strength and grace by those around them because it is awful!

With this being my 5th IVF transfer cycle, many have asked “why is this time different?” or said “You seem to be reacting more to the medication this time.” I have given that some thought and honestly, I don’t think it is any different this time. The difference for me is that I am not having to “suck it up” or hide any of it. I am allowing myself to speak to what is happening and to give what is happening light. I am saying that I may not be myself and there is a reason for that. I’m not compressing the bad days and the pain deep inside like before but instead I am sharing it. Writing this blog and having others talking to me from all over the US and even seeing that this blog has been read in 8 different nations (yes 8!) has also helped me to pay attention more to what is happening.

Three nights ago I began writing a rather sad post to you all. It was a post with frustration because I was supposed to have begun my “cycle” so that this next phase could begin and it wasn’t happening. It talked about money and sadness. I was having a pity party with words and then… I had a wave of exhaustion hit me out of nowhere! I went to sleep without finishing the post. That morning, I had shared this frustration with a few people of whom I asked also to pray about it for me. In the perfect time, things began to happen the next day and I had a calmness come about me. While I was still stressing over the timing and what the specific protocol was, I was able to rest in the fact that this time, we are not alone! There are hundreds of people who know about this. (That’s HUGE y’all!) There have only ever been maybe 8 people at the most who knew about our transfers in the past and now over 200 people have read this blog, sent me emails, talked to me, or responded to things on social media. Thank you all!

In the coming days, I will be following a specific protocol. (Everything written out by day with what to do.) Today I began taking 5 “new” medications to go along with the Lupron. I am now taking a low dose aspirin, a specific prenatal vitamin, estrogen (patches), an antibiotic, a medication to curb blood sugar and Lupron. I will slowly increase the estrogen patches to changing out 4 patches every 3 days (normal dosage is 1-2 patches twice per week). Once I have built up to 4 patches, I will stop the Lupron and I will begin taking a blood thinner and my hubby will have to be my nurse and give me a Progesterone shot every night. I am so thankful that I have a checklist of medication so that I don’t forget what to take! (I am a list person!)

Through this whole thing, I have to give a HUGE shout out to my husband! He has lived with me going from crying to biting his head off and back in a matter of 5 minutes and yet he still loves me! No marriage is ever perfect, but I know God placed us together because we “get” each other. He understands that what I am going through is not easy at all and he is here to support and love me through it all! It is going to get harder, however, the hope and prayer is that in the end, we will grow our family by 1 (hopefully 2 more)!

Pearl of Wisdom: When someone seems “off”, show kindness!                                (Kindness:  “Loaning someone your strength instead of reminding them of their weakness!”)

Request: Pray for mental clarity (for me) and grace (for me and that I give it to those around me)!

Pearls and Love, ~ Me

Well the day has come. This morning I began taking a medicine called Lupron (It’s short for some long named medicine). This means we are in the real deal final countdown to transfer day! I still won’t know an exact transfer day for about another week or so but today I took the 1st dose.

Yesterday, as I thought about and prepared for today, I was so ready. Ready to begin. Ready for this new chapter. Ready to begin the road to closing this chapter of our lives with (hopefully) a pregnancy! Today brought on a whole new set of everything and it was not easy! This morning I dragged my feet with drawing up my meds. I didn’t want to begin putting my body through this one more time. Why did I have to do this and why was it this hard? (I know it will be totally worth it but it is still hard.) I promised to be real with everyone, so here it is… this morning was Awful!!

After I woke up and finally got it together, I went to the fridge and grabbed the meds. I literally said, “Hello, old friend!” before opening the bottle. You see Lupron and I have been together for 9 procedures now. It’s like hopping back on a bicycle. I cleaned my skin, drew up the syringe and gave the injection. It went well. Then about 5 minutes later I remembered why Lupron and I aren’t friends. You see 5 minutes after giving the shot, it stings. I have a tingling, itchy, and burning feeling were the meds are going into my bloodstream. This is not fun! Normally this would be the end of the day 1 excitement but today was also my “scratch test” for the IVF procedure. I will let you imagine what that means but I would rather break my nail to the quick any day over having this procedure. OUCH! It is not fun at all!

I was NOT ready for today! I had thought about it, planned it, but in typical me fashion, I made myself busy so I didn’t have to truly think about today. I was doing great until I walked into the room for the procedure and sat down. The room that I have been in many times before. I was in that room for the 4 IUI procedures. I was in that room for other “scratch tests”. I was in that room when I cried with Dr. T over losing another baby. I was in there when they told me I would be released to go to my regular OB when I was pregnant with my son. This room held so many memories for me… and I lost it y’all! Like full tears sitting on the table crying. The nurse came in to get something and saw me crying and stopped. I explained to her that this was probably the last time I would ever be in this room. Six years of memories and this was it. One painful procedure away from NEVER being in this room again. I think it was 6 years of emotions and excitement and nervousness had led me to those tears.

I gathered myself together and waited for Dr. T to make his entrance. The nurse must have told him about my crying because he came in ready to comfort. He had another doctor with him who is shadowing him and he stopped to explain to her our history. She was holding my very large chart and looked at me with eyes of sadness as he talked. I didn’t mind because she got to see the relationship that a doctor can have with their patient. As he lovingly told her our story, I found myself smiling realizing that this man truly does care about me and my journey. We did the “scratch test” and then at the end he did something a lot of doctors wouldn’t do. Dr. T came over and gave me a hug. He said “Kiddo, you will always be a part of my family… (pause from him) and I truly pray that I will always be a part of yours!” He had a glimpse of a tear in his eye and I cried again! He then said “remind my nurses that I want to be the one to do this transfer. No one else! It may mean an extra day of meds but we started this together and I am going to finish it with you!” Tears! Lots and lots of tears!

You see it would be easy for any doctor to just think today was another day. Dr. T is the top in his field and the head of the clinic. Yet today, he took time to truly care about me. He asked about my son and husband. He took TIME. I know he wants success for us. It’s been a struggle for him in this journey as well because I’m not your average patient. Remember I’m in that 1-5% that doesn’t fit the typical mold. As a professional he has talked to colleagues all over the country trying to come up with the perfect protocol for me. As a father himself and a human, he wants to help me. He has seen the ups and downs with me over 6 years. He has been there for moments like holding my son and others like 9:30 at night phone calls about what to do next. We have the right person on our team. I truly believe that God placed Dr. T in our lives for a reason and we are so blessed to have him on our team!

I am not ready to say goodbye to this clinic and today… I don’t have to. Today I only said “goodbye” to the room of my past. The room of hope not found. The room of tears and pain. Today I say goodbye to the fears and “failures” of the past infertility journey. And today I said “hello” to the unknown future that is to come!

Thank you to each of you who have been praying for us and who reached out today. It was encouraging having so many texts and calls and prayers lifted in the last few days.   In the past this day has only been one that a few people would know about because in the past we kept it all a secret. Today was different though and so comforting to be able to be open and honest with everyone about it all and to have the support and love.

Pearl of Wisdom – Find your team and stick with them. Those who aren’t on your side don’t need to be calling the plays for your life!

Request – Pray for strength in the coming days. This medicine brings with it lots of uncontrollable emotions and hot flashes and mood swings. Pray for grace for me and a calmness with my spirit.

Love and Thanks! ~ Me

Thank you to everyone for your love and prayers as we share our story! I want to take us back to Summer 2014. After prayer, discussion and lots of tears, we embarked on our IVF journey. This was a world we never thought we would be a part of and a whole new “ballgame” for how we would grow our family.

Early the summer of 2014 we went in and met with Dr. T to discuss our “protocol” for how we would go about handling IVF. Fun fact: All IVF procedures are not the same. Just like many things, IVF protocols are very specific to the patient and to the exact situation. (This was something new to us.) We learned that unlike many IVF procedures, it was recommended that we do “frozen cycles” instead of fresh cycles. You see the doctor believed that my body could not handle a fresh cycle of IVF.

Let me take a moment to explain IVF and the protocol that we went through. With IVF, a woman is given medication to grow follicles (eggs) in her ovaries. Once there are enough eggs of a certain size, a medication is given to force the body to release the egg (ovulate) and at that time, the doctor will go in and retrieve as many of the eggs as possible. Then with the most precious of care, an embryologist (fancy very smart doctor) will check each egg to see the “grade” of the egg for the correct shape and how “good” the egg is. Once all the “good eggs” are separated out, they are fertilized with “good sperm”. The fertilized eggs are then monitored each day to see if they combine to create embryos. Once the embryos reach a certain stage they are then either place back inside the woman or they are frozen to be placed in later.

While that may sound like something that is easy, IVF is not easy in any way! During those medication cycles there are blood draws and ultrasounds of ovaries. There are raging hormones and times you feel like you are going to cry forever. IVF is hard! Someone recently said that anyone who has ever been through IVF is a survivor and I wholeheartedly believe this! Myself and thousands of women have gone through IVF and survived to tell our stories.

My medication cycle to retrieve the eggs was tough. Not only was I overwhelmed with keeping up with what day I was supposed to do what, I was told that I had to mix medication and inject it in at certain times during the day. Have I told y’all that I HATED needles. Like could pass out or feel like it when someone would take my blood. Yet here I was with learning how to give myself a shot of medication. I had a powder medication that I was to mix in a vial with a serum and then extract it and inject it into my belly. (AHH! I still think of how I would do this with shaking hands.) This medicine was sometimes as much as $100+ per vile of medication. Thinking of messing up was so scary for me. Everyday before I mixed my meds, I would pray and thank God for medical advances and pray that He would let this not be in vain. (In our worst times, FAITH is everything!)

After doing all the injections, going for all the ultrasounds of my ovaries, it was determined that I would go for my retrieval.  All in total, they retrieved 25+ eggs. 16 of those eggs were “good eggs” and we then began the 5 days of phone calls. You see everyday I would get a phone call in which the lab nurse from the embryology lab would call and let me know the status of our embryos. She would call and ask how I was doing post procedure and then give me my number of survival for the day. My heart stopped every time I saw that number on my phone. You see she held the information to our future. She would tell me everyday how close we were to having a baby. What our odds were that I would be a mom. At least this is what I viewed those calls as. Day 5 came and we received our call. This was the day of “freezing” so it was very important to us. This was the day we would get the number of chances we would have to have a baby using IVF. We got the call and it was NOT what I wanted to hear at all. “Ma’am, I have your freeze profile for you. This is the details for the number of embryos that we were able to successfully thaw. I am pleased to let you know that we were able to successfully freeze 10 embryos! Congratulations and I wish you the best of luck with your future!”

“WHAT?! 10 embryos and this is a good thing!?! I can’t have 10 children! This is not okay.” My head was about to explode with this news. What was supposed to be the happy moment where we found out we would have about 4 or 5 (as a good number) was squashed as now we were looking at 10 embryos. I immediately called our nurse. I cried angry tears with her on the phone and told her that this was NOT what we wanted. You see, we knew those were our babies. Let the medical terms say what they will but now we had 10 babies waiting on us. I explained to the nurse that we couldn’t have 10 kids! She then said something that made my heart sink. “We honestly didn’t think you would do this well. Most patients like you only have about 4-6 at the most. Honestly, we didn’t know you would be this successful!”

As I type this, I feel how lost I was in that moment. I lost my faith and stepped out of trusting and into panic. My husband and I talked about how there had to be a purpose and that we need to trust God. I cried a lot! I questioned if IVF was the right choice. I wondered where God was in this process. I trusted that He was there with us and our babies but I didn’t understand. I was hurting and lost. I researched something called embryo adoption (another couple adopting our embryo) because I just knew that IVF would work and we wouldn’t be able to have 10 kids. Then after about 2 weeks, I did what any good praying woman would do, I told God that it was His job to fix it! I prayed such a specific prayer. I said ” God, I don’t understand this at all. I want these babies to know my love and to know how much they are cared for. I am trusting you and I pray that somehow and some way, you will let each baby of ours know me! Our family is in your hands!”

Relief! There is a glorious thing that happens when you give things over to God. I never imagined how our journey would go and what turns it would take, but at that moment I knew that no matter what, it was in God’s hands. Things were not roses and butterflies by any means but at that moment my husband and I knew we were no longer in control of our future.

Pearl of Wisdom – “Do not worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank Him for all He has done. Then you do this you will experience God’s peace, which exceeds anything we can understand. His peace will guard your hearts and minds as you love in Christ Jesus.” Philippians 4:6-7 (NLT) – My life verses for over 15 years!

Requests: Pray for God to continue to cover all those walking in faith with His peace everyday and every step!

Peace and Pearls ~ Me